Childhood Anxiety: Where It Started and How Parents Can Help
By Jessica Sieckman — Greenville Counseling Associates
Imagine for a moment that your best friend is angry at you- what if she never speaks to you again? Maybe you embarrass yourself in front of the whole school when you forget your lines in the school play. Or what if tonight’s the night a robber breaks in through your window? Now more than ever before, fears and anxieties plague the lives of children and teens. Since 2010, there has been a 139% increase in reported anxiety for young adults, rates of self-harm increased by 78% for girls and 134% for boys, and rates of teen depression have seen a 150% increase.
If your mind works like mine, you immediately jump to the conclusion that social media and smartphones are to blame. However, the road leading to our current levels of childhood anxiety began earlier, in the 1980s and 1990s. These decades saw an uptick in parent concerns over the safety of their children. In many ways this was a positive- no one is arguing against seatbelt laws. But it also resulted in less time for unstructured play, overprotectiveness in school environments, and greatly increased parent supervision (along with a new generation of exhausted moms and dads). When playgrounds were made safer, the result was fewer bumps and bruises, but also fewer opportunities to overcome small stressors in a low-consequence environment. Where children used to be given chances to prove themselves in small challenges early (like going to the store to run an errand), parents instead shifted their focus to maintaining the safety of their children at all costs.
Now comes the part about smartphones and social media. Screens have been present in most American households since the TV in the 1950s. Most homes had computers and internet access by the year 2000. However, when the iPhone was introduced in 2007, it became possible to engage with technology on a near constant basis, rather than being location-bound (i.e. only in your home office or living room). Apps were designed with the goal of increasing “engagement”. Meaning, the longer the user spent on each app the better. Social media was introduced. The teenage desire for social normalcy was hijacked- “normal” was now defined by a small group of influencers. Social approval comes from hundreds of distant connections, to whom you present a curated selection of photos or details about your life and identity. Rather than learning to manage the ebbs and flows of real friendships, young people are now given an easy out (i.e. block or be blocked). As a result, connections have become disposable and young social media users are at risk of losing their friendships if they make any little mistake. In this environment, iot is hardly a surprise that teens are primed for social anxiety.
A combination of over-protectiveness in the real world and over-exposure to the virtual world has left young people with a lack of confidence. Children need opportunities to push their limits- physically, mentally and socially. Unstructured play is their chance to develop autonomy, to discover they can do hard things. It allows kids to assess risk and to move forward. This may look like climbing a rock wall for the first time, or it may look like introducing themselves to a new potential friend. In either case, pushing into their fears about the what ifs can help kids to learn that life really isn’t as scary as they feared.
Parents, allow your children to experience those things that are creating the anxiety, and then help them to notice when disaster did not strike. Try to notice your own anxieties and ask whether the desire for protection in the short-term might come with a cost in the long run. Help steer your children away from the naturally anxiety-producing environment of social media. Jonathan Haidt (psychologist and author of the recently published book The Anxious Generation) recommends 13 as a minimum age for a child having a smartphone and 16 for using social media. Find a group of other families who have the same goals for their children, so your child doesn’t feel that “everyone except me has Tiktok, Snapchat, etc”. And ultimately, give yourself some grace.
Our culture has undergone monumental changes over the last few decades that have created a space for anxiety to thrive. Let your child get some bumps and bruises, and develop some resilience along the way.