The Forgiveness Marker
By Levi Hall — Greenville Counseling Associates
Many people know that forgiveness is important. We hear things like, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” (quote has been attributed to various people). Or, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you” (Smedes, 1996). In 2010, the Fetzer Institute surveyed one thousand American adults and uncovered that 62% of these adults agreed that they “need more forgiveness in their personal lives” (Fetzer Survey on Love and Forgiveness in American Society, n.d.). Forgiveness is perhaps largely associated with various faith traditions. However, secular research also shows that forgiveness has a profound impact on overall health. For example, an article by Johns Hopkins Medicine (2019) states, “Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.” The article goes on to say, “Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.”
We can see that forgiveness has many benefits. But how in the world do you forgive someone who has caused deep, deep pain? How do you forgive things like murder? Or infidelity? Or any kind of abuse or neglect? The purpose of this article is to provide a map that could prove helpful in navigating the process of forgiveness. Any experienced backpacker knows how important it is to have a map when trekking in unknown territory. Choosing to forgive is no small undertaking, but it can feel especially daunting without directions.
Dr. Wagner, a recently retired counseling professor who taught at Columbia International University, wrote about what he calls “The Forgiveness Marker” in his book Help Me Help Others. To explain why he calls it The Forgiveness Marker, he writes, “Choosing to forgive another is a monumental task, so it seems appropriate to mark the point in time when this happens, to create a monument that reminds us of this pivotal moment. Planting a Forgiveness Marker signifies that we are inviting God to do a cleansing work in our lives. Similar to the Old Testament accounts of people erecting monuments or altars to acknowledge God’s powerful intervention in their lives, we are marking our entry into the process of forgiveness” (Wagner, 2016, pp. 123–137). The Forgiveness Marker lays out eight practical steps to move through a process of forgiveness. These eight steps are briefly summarized below.
Take a full account of the wrong suffered. In Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend (2017, pp. 291–293) write, “The Bible compares forgiving people to releasing them from a legal debt.” Taking a full account of what is “owed” is a helpful first step before canceling that debt though. Many people want to minimize pain or avoid it altogether, but this approach does not ultimately lead to healing.
Grieve the hurt or loss. Grieving can take many forms, but letting your pain have an outlet is critical. For one person, grieving might look like writing poetry. For another, it might mean expressing hurt through songwriting. Other ideas include talking, crying, journaling, joining a support group, art, volunteer work or advocacy, exercise, and the list goes on.
Make a choice to forgive. Notice that this is Step 3, not Step 1. While pivotal in moving into freedom, it is important to lay the groundwork of acknowledging and grieving the hurt first before making a choice to forgive. It may be helpful to note that you can still hold another person accountable for his or her actions even if you have made the choice to forgive. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean letting that person “off the hook”.
Let go of any expectation for restitution. Dr. Wagner (2016, pp. 123–137) writes, “Going through steps 1-4 does not require the cooperation or even the participation of the offending parties.” Forgiveness is about the past, and it is unilateral. Ultimately, the other person cannot repay the “debt”. The past cannot be changed. If you are waiting for the offender to acknowledge your hurt and make amends, you may be waiting a long time.
Set boundaries for acceptable behavior. Steps 5-8 deal with reconciliation. While forgiveness is unilateral, reconciliation does require two willing participants. In certain situations, it may not be appropriate or even possible to seek reconciliation (i.e. situations involving abuse or if the person you want to forgive is no longer alive). But if both parties are committed to changing destructive patterns and moving forward, guidelines can be established to propel the relationship forward.
Expect sincere efforts to change. Dr. Wagner (2016, pp. 123–137) writes, “Note the emphasis on efforts, not perfection.” Trust requires trust-building behavior that is measured over a period of time. Has the other person received the feedback and is he or she actually making attempts to remedy damaging behaviors?
As often as necessary, remember the past is forgiven. It is not uncommon to experience difficult emotions such as anger or hurt even after you have made the choice to forgive. Forgiveness is ultimately a conscious decision that can lead to positive emotions like joy, empathy, and maybe even affection, but you may not feel these emotions right away. If or when negative emotions are activated, remember the past is forgiven. Many well-intentioned people say “forgive and forget”; however, painful experiences cannot simply be forgotten. A more constructive approach may be to forgive and choose not to remember. Choose not to dwell on “debt” from the past when it has already been released.
Renew your commitment to move forward. Continue to grow. Live connected. Live abundantly. Flourish. Forgive often. Jamie and Donna Winship, founders of Identity Exchange, say, “Living in forgiveness is the oxygen we breathe in the Kingdom of God.” As mentioned above, it is not always possible to reconcile, but even forgiveness without reconciliation brings freedom. Either way, keep your wounds clean. Keep your forgiveness up-to-date. And reconcile when possible.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (New American Standard Bible, 2002) says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Scripture makes it quite clear that forgiveness is an essential ingredient in the Kingdom of God.
Take a moment right now to reflect and see if you are holding on to any unforgiveness. Or have you tried to forgive someone but skipped or got stuck on one of these steps? If so, it is never too late to work the process of forgiveness. What you have experienced is a part of you, but it does not have to define you. Use your map. Go live in freedom.